Charlie Sheen is in his own words “winning” right now. And he’s right. ‘Cause he’s KILLING the whole idea of press junket in an epic series of rants to rival Mel Gibson. All in a days work for a man made of “tiger blood and adonis DNA” who lives with goddesses, whilst fighting off fools and trolls and pressing Barack “B.O.” Obama for answers on 9/11 being an inside job. And you thought you were busy!? Inside are my favorite quotes from his recent interviews.
“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
“Duh, Winning!”
“I mean c’mon bro, I won best picture at twenty. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”
“Here’s your first pee test, next one goes in your mouth. No, you won’t get high. It’s all good guys. Quit panicking.”
“I’m so tired of pretending my life isn’t perfect and bitching and just winning every second and I’m not perfect and bitchin’.”
“They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say “I CAN’T PROCESS IT,” well, no, you never will. Just stop trying. Sit back and enjoy the show.”
“I’m going to hang out with these two smoooooking hotties and fly privately around the world.”
“I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”
“I’m an F/A-18 bro and I will destroy you in the air. And I will deploy my ordinace to the ground.”
“Newsflash, I am special.”
“Let’s talk about something exciting. Me.”
“I got magic. I got poetry in my fingertips. This includes NAPS!”
“If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.”
